A Year Ago Today...

I sit here staring at this blank sheet in front of me and I am wary of what this post will become and evolve into.  I have never been one to share my feelings openly on social media.  Mostly I dance around the truth of anything real and shut off the emotions. We all do it though. We publish our best pieces. The highlight reel. Our greatest work and leave all the rubbish at the bottom of our beds so that it can haunt our dreams quietly when we are alone.  I rarely see anyone posting a status on a Friday night, “Alone at home in my pjs, crying, heartbroken, eating ice cream #nofriends”.

It’s fair though right and we justify it by telling ourselves we are open with the people that matter.  But are we? Really are we.  Frankly it’s just easier pretending we are ok.  Not only for us but for the people around us.  No one and I mean no one wants to hear of another person’s anguish when they themselves are in pain.  But therein lies the problem, we never know how anyone is REALLY doing. 

Our conversations go like this…

‘Hey [name], how you doing?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine thanks, how you?’ (inside: I’m so sad and I just want to cry all the time)…

‘Yeah same, busy busy you know.’ (inside: I should probably tell them what happened to me but no man, seriously they won’t care)…

‘Yeah I know, same. Anyway, I’ll see you around.’

And then we walk away from each other and have the same conversation with a different person.

I guess now could be the time where I am real and tell anyone who remotely glimpses over this blog how I am really doing. Honestly sh*t. The tears are never gone and as they well up at the back of my eyes I think to myself ‘look down, you are on public transport, no one needs to deal with an emotional blonde girl’. But the sadness is JUST.ALWAYS.THERE. (Note to self: do a Facebook friends clean-up before you share this post).  

But seriously this is not some cry for help or anything.  I am a happy person and luckily with JOY I know that this too shall pass (somehow the emotional side takes its time when catching up with the logic).  But I have been blessed with an unwavering peace in the storms and I am never far from the silver lining. Yet still there are times when life hurts and we are bashed around and beaten up and used and abused and the world falls in crumbles around us and it sucks. It hurts. And we vow to do things differently the next time. Be better. Be careful.  But we inevitably won’t and we will find ourselves in the same place exactly a YEAR later thinking ‘I saw this coming’. 

In God we need to place our hope and constantly believe that something better is always coming. And it is. It really is. But there are the valleys first to get through. And sometimes they are just downright difficult.

He promised you the world,

And now that same old world is just getting smaller.

I told you all the time,

Please be careful with your love.

A Year Ago Today - Bears Den

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_ANJ_9HMXo

The River Will Rise Again...

It is THREE weeks before exams for me. Somehow, I ridiculously made the decision to UPSKILL myself back in June last year.  Now do not get me wrong, education is largely one of the most important things one can receive and it should NEVER be turned down, saying that the slog of grafting is painful and outright boring for the most part.  I find myself saying things like, ‘It’ll be worth it/it’s something to fall back on/a professional qualification will open doors (doors to where exactly? Narnia would be nice…)” and so on.

Anyhow, it's not long now until these exams are upon me, as I said THREE weeks BUT instead of spending last night doing some required reading on heaven forbid Business Strategy,  I finished 'A Northern Soul' by Jimmy Nail. Cue the absolute disdain from any late TWENTIES something Brit.  The horror. The looks of disappointment.  Within seconds I've seen the change on the faces of those around me on the train from WELL INTERESTED to sheer disgust as I pull out the book from my handbag.  Now I am not sure where this comes from.  Sure the man is no giant in show biz.  He is hardly a drop dead gorgeous star (now or even back when he was a little more well known).  But he has something. Something that got me. Somehow.


I reckon I have a few people to thank in my life for introducing me to JN and instilling - yes that is exactly what it was, instilling in me a great fondness for his work - musically more than the acting if I'm honest.  If I have heard his song Big River once I can assure you I have heard it at least TEN THOUSAND times. Not even an exaggeration. My parents - the good hosts that they are used to throw wonderful dinner parties (they still do and honestly there is nothing quite as good as a Honey Home Dinner Party).  Anyway, the table would be set, delectable smells coming from the oven, a cool breeze blowing through the patio and my dad choosing the music for the evening.  That was until Uncle Ken arrived at which point if Big River was not blaring from the speakers it soon would be. And it would be on REPEAT. Over and over again.

As a little girl I would often be "asleep" in bed at this point - meaning I was peaking around the curtain watching the grown-ups laugh and dance and sing.  At some point that changed (when my parents gave me alcohol I think) and I would be one of the adults laughing and dancing and singing.  The result is that to me a good party will always have a little bit of Jimmy present - and I doubt this will ever change.  A night cannot be successful without someone belting out "for this was a biiiiiiiiiig river, I want you all to know...." just a little off key.

His story has touched my life. What a testament to Right Time, Right Place. Alarmingly honest about the ups and downs (mostly downs in reality), he writes a masterpiece that will remain on my bookshelf for years and years to come.

And in my heart I know it will rise again,

The river will rise again.

Big River - Jimmy Nail
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_519h95XFs

Ain't no Doubt - Jimmy Nail
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iF47M3YDlg

Crocodile Shoes - Jimmy Nail
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APJwMLvZYZU

November Rain...(in May...)

When the wind is completely knocked out of you. Not for a minute or TWO. Or even just a day, not even a week. No. Closer on a month. And you think yes, come now, I'm going to get a grip on this. But.You.Just.Don't. When basically it's all November Rain. Except it's May. 

November Rain - Guns 'N Roses 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE&feature=kp

Thunder...

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

Londontown is like Joburg in the summer at the moment. Ok lies. It's kinda like Joburg for about FIFTEEN minutes everyday, and the rest of the time it is pretty Londonlike. Afternoon thunderstorms. A joy of almost every Transvaal evening. Cue FIVE in the afternoon and the skies turn black, the rain buckets down and the rolling sound of thunder fills the silence. It's magical. 

As a child at my grandparents small holding or the farm for the summer holidays, this meant mud, this meant innocent nakedness, this meant hurriedly taking in the washing, or the picnic blanket, or the garden furniture cushions...it meant dancing in the rain and looking of the lightening.  It meant waiting for the clouds to break and watching the sun peer through again and then bringing out all of the above and carrying on with life. Waiting for the sunset to dawn (or should that be dusk?!)...

A little like life is. When the storms come. They clear again. Always.

Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

http://youtu.be/YEi7GPkxfsE

Mama Said...

Day one to day NINE THOUSAND AND EIGHTY EIGHT. 

How to sum up a mother in any form of words is virtually impossible. 

I would be lying if I said our relationship has always been perfect, good even. But with all the disagreements and arguments and late night (read: early morning) 'Who do you think you are coming home at this time dear' chats in the hallway, there are 1000's of moments of happiness and laughter. 

To my biggest FAN, the strongest most beautiful woman I have and will ever meet, without you I would literally be nothing. 

Thanks for letting me go...but know this, I am always here!

Mama Said - The Shirelles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L842mz-tNBQ

Gone Loopy...

"Being what I want to be...."

Right. This is going to be the most pivotal blog posts I have yet to write (there is even a photo in this one!). Serious though. His name is Jeremy. Jeremy Loops. Let me take you on a journey.

The date is September 30th, 2010.  I am TWENTY ONE years old.  I am convinced by my ENVIRONMENTALLY aware friend (we all have one of those who are all eco, low emissions, carbon footprint, tree hugging types...admit it) to attend a gig for an unknown equally ENVIRONMENTALLY aware artist (like no Facebook page, no YouTube video, proper 'not even on the radar' unknown).  The reason for the gig was to promote a charity organisation called Greenpop [Sidebar: Greenpop is an incredible charity that plant trees in Africa.  It is as simple as that but as necessary. Check them out...http://www.greenpop.org/).

Anyway, I readily agree and a group of us all pack into the little car (Kim S, John W, Clare C...) and make our way over to 61 Harrington Street in down-town Cape Town.  The Assembly. [Side bar TWO: The Assembly has been good to me over the years. It is the venue I miss the most now that I live in London (sorry Dubliner).  The list of artists that have entertained me in the hallowed hall are all too many to name, the raucous parties and 3am drive bys are countless and most importantly the dancing. The crazy crazy amounts of dancing I have bashed out on the concrete floor leaves me with a smile on my face right now]. 

But back to the story.... 

We arrive early. Far too early. I am always early for shows. Always. I hate missing any opening-act. Any of the action.  This does mean that I have spent hours and hours waiting for artists to descend on stages. Countlessly looking at the time. Trying to not drink the moments away on ice cold beer, because being drunk at a show is UNACCEPTABLE. Totally unacceptable. Anyway, back then I was a keeno and we positioned ourselves just off centre, right in the front of the stage. And waited in anticipation.  The venue was dotted with trees and foliage and fake grass on the stage - all very eco.  And then out comes this small man (boy?!) in a sailor hat.  Clearly a little nervous but the nerves melt away as he picks up his guitar and fills the room with what I would describe as HAPPINESS IN SONG FORM. Literally his music is about the most joyful, inspirational and fun music I have ever heard.  The mood in the room picks up and before long we jamming like crazy folk. 

I vividly remember the tangible FUN that was had that night. He quite literally has a way about capturing a room full of people and for an hour or two taking them on a joy ride.  I left that evening knowing that we had just experienced the raw talent of a guy and his mates and that there would be more where that came from.

Cue THREE AND A HALF years later and this past week I found myself in Camden, London, jamming like it was 2010 again. Jeremy Loops and his band appear to enjoy the show as much as the crowd, if not more.  Their positive attitude, hard working values and creativity leaves one with more than just memories of a good night watching some good music but with the subtle encouragement to be better, do better and find happiness.  I am a happier person because of music like this.  So try it...have a go...find the joy!

Mission to the sun 'Howling' - Jeremy Loops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQVFjXxWslw

Power - Jeremy Loops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WE0UC6sk6ug

Running Away - Jeremy Loops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXm0-ffkDrc